When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Mr. Jeffries?”
Mr. Jeffries: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First, the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them, he asked: “Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.
The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
“Can you please hold my hand?”A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?”
Son: “My name is Paul.”
Doctor: You’re obese.
Patient: For that, I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too