A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”
“Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.”
“Look at the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.”
“It’s a big rooster,” she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
Ahead of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict intuition since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.
An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered,
“I will never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
“Can you please hold my hand?”A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?”
Son: “My name is Paul.”
Doctor: You’re obese.
Patient: For that, I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?
The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”
“Mom, where do tampons go?”
“Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In the stork?”
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Oh no, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”