“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor Asks.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
Because he kept seeing spots.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
Time to get your booster shot!
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: Only if you aim it well enough.
Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!