I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.
Why is girlfriend one word but a best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I just had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I almost got raped in jail today.
My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will search for a golf ball.
Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument over breakfast one morning.
As things got heated, the doctor shouted at his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and then he stormed out of the room and went to work.
A couple of hours later he was feeling guilty about what he’d said so he decided to call his wife to apologize.
There was a long delay before she finally answered. “What took you so long to answer?” asked the doctor.
“I was in bed,” replied his wife.
They say makeup sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s very rewarding but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.